I'm trying to tell my truth
I had written a different message to you, but then I realized, although the words that I wrote were true, they weren’t the truth. What I mean is, there was some amount of performance in them. So here I am again trying to tell a little more of the truth. By the truth, I mean my truth.
I feel heavy. Physically heavy. Weighed down. I am running slower than usual. My muscles feel weak. An old shoulder injury is acting up again. This menstrual cycle, I have ovulation acne, not just luteal acne. I know my body is trying to tell me something, but I’m not sure what. I’ll keep listening.
But I also feel a glimmer of hope with the changing of the seasons. I am starting to feel lighter. The bliss of marriage is seeping into my being even more. I love being married. A lot of people say it doesn’t feel different, but to me it does. It feels like a giant exhale. Like “ah yes, this is right”. It feels like I am settling even more into myself and my relationship. It feels good.
I just went to one last festival of the year and it was a weird one. I went into it with an air of cockiness, thinking it would be an easy festival in my home state of Oregon. It was not easy. It was very bumpy.
It was hosted at fairgrounds and the venue smelled like cow and sheep poop. I think the animals were mad at us for taking over their barns. (Well, probably more so for putting them in those barns in the first place.) They were giving us some weird dark energy.
I spent a lot of time in my head, spiraling about my insecurities. My inner dialogue was something like: You’re so boring. You’re too quiet. You have no thoughts. You have nothing to add to the conversation. You're stupid. Your life has been too easy. You’re cold. You’re standoffish. People say they like you, love you even, but they are really just tolerating you. You’re quiet and unassuming so it’s easy to tolerate you…
Wow, it's hard to read that. Sometimes I think I love myself, but is that how I talk to someone I love? No. That’s not even how I would talk to someone I don’t like. I’m working on that self-talk.
I learned, well re-learned, a lot about myself. I’m realizing how particular I am with who I give my energy to. And I am learning to accept that instead of trying to change myself. I am putting up the veil for these next few weeks. Turning inward. Getting to know myself even more.
Holy crap I started my business about nineteen months ago. And f*ck it’s been a wild ride. I want to tell more truth about the journey. It's actually very hard to leave the comfort of a corporate job with benefits and a stable paycheck. I really like consistency so not having stable pay is pretty disruptive for me.
I have a second job. I was scared to tell you this at first because I thought you would think my business isn't working if you knew I had a second job. But it's quite the opposite. I now have more financial stability to focus on growing my business from a place of intuition and desire, not desperation and need. It’s actually much healthier.
Plus my other job has jolted me out of the little coaching bubble I’ve been in. I’m getting a little disheartened with that coaching bubble. Not with the coaching itself, but with the industry.
I thought I would be like the instagram coaches I see bringing in $50K months. They make it look so easy and part of me resents them for it. Sure I am happy for these people (mostly women!) who are following their dreams and making bank, but something about it feels off. It feels just like another corporate trap. Coaches coaching coaches coaching coaches. It feels a little MLM-y. A little pyramid scheme-y. Or am I just jealous? Or envious? What’s the difference? I think envy involves coveting what another has, so perhaps I do feel envious.
But also, I am so over spending endless hours obsessing over IG posts and likes. That is not the life for me.
Oftentimes when people ask how many clients I have (why do people ask that all the time?), I add one to my actual client account. I don't mean to do this. It just comes out. I’m so worried about what people think. Still caught up in the more more more, bigger bigger bigger. But I left that world for a reason. I don’t want more. I actually want less. I want to be the best possible leader for a handful of my amazing clients. And, to be even more real, sometimes I don't even want to be the best. I just want to be good enough.
I’m going to stop here for now. My truth telling will continue next week.
What's true for you today? I'd love to hear from you in the comments <3
Thanks for being here. Thanks for being you.